From wanting to Living

I feel like the time for Doing over has stopped.
like the chance to start "monday" or "next" week is gone. I feel ,that if i fool myself any longer, i won't know what real is anymore, i won't be able to trust myself. andwhen i can't do that, I will doubt and we all know what doubt does.

I can't be this way anymore,its not right, it does not feel good ,it never has and it never will. I've had enough.

This time does not feel like the other times. It does not feel like an empty promise to myself or my mother...Yes i did not escape that, i have a mother who is saddened by her daughter's inability to be happy in her own body. Who may or may not feel guilty for things she has done or did not do, that has led her daughter to this fate. And inside all the smirky remarks and thinly veiled "dissapointment" speeches,she cares, and only wants me to reach the body that I have always wanted.

Im so scared that il never get the hang of it,that il never really be thinner. Thinner sounds bad, i just want to look and feel good, by my own standards, and right now i don't. RIght now i have to do everything in my power to make it happen.

There cannot be any more Do-Overs. this is it.