When i was a teenager, I've been underweight most of my life. I'm 5.8 inches, and I weighed around 116 pounds. My family always encouraged my sister and I to eat more: more pastas, salads, meat, and, yes, candies. I don't remember a time when cake wasn't in the house, but my metabolism was so high that I thought it didn't matter.
Since coming of age, moving out, having a child of my own, and getting married, I packed on the weight. I went from 116 to 220 in a course of ten years. I couldn't stop eating. I would be stress because we had no money, and I would eat. I had no self-control.
The most traumatic thing that happened to me was I was walking across campus on day when a person much younger than me yelled out "fat ass". I considered myself heavy. Looking back, it was those comfort words that allow my delusion that I was fine. Fat. How I hated that word
I hated the way that I ballooned out, the way that my gut would hang over my pants, and the love handles. My husband never said anything about the weight. He said that he would love me no matter what.
When we were stable financially and well on our feet, I didn't think much of it. We tried for about six months to have another child with no such luck. It took us six years to have our daughter, and I could not help but think that there was something wrong with me. I was into self-loathing, hating the way I looked and the way that my body had "failed" me.
The lowest blow came from the doctor when she told me that I had PCOS. My plump, apple shape form was an indication, as well as the hair that was on my chin. I remember being told that they found cysts and not knowing what to do. My condition accelerated because of how overweight that I had gotten.
Now, I have a new year to look forward to, a new exercise regime. I am still hungry, and it's not meal or snack time, but instead of reaching for that candy, I reach for my bottle water. A first it was sheer willpower that kept me away from the food, but now the water is working.
I have quite a ways to go to get down to the size that I want, but through sheer determination I can do it.
