COE finds her way...

I found myself hungry last night.  It annoyed me.  I am eating what I should, not starving myself and I am hungry...legitimately hungry.  Not hungry for attention or love or acceptance...but FOOOOD! 

I had a piece of string cheese and a cup of hot tea.  It subsided somewhat...enough for me to think of other things, read a book and fall asleep.

Today, I am doing okay.  I was busy this morning so my mind was focusing on something other than what to eat next.  I was hungry at snack time but didn't take the time to leave my desk to get my snack from the kitchen...so it waited until after 11AM. 

Lunch was a small baked potato with salsa and a cheese stick.  It was yummy...I just want double the amount I had.  I have heard your mind doesn't tell your body right away that you are satisfied...it takes something like 20 minutes.  So....I am typing this, drinking my water and waiting it out.  Hopefully, I will realize I am "satisfied" (she says with obvious cynicism) in the next few minutes.

I am looking forward to my afternoon snack of cottage cheese and berries.  Although, the fact that I am looking forward to food is a problem I think.  I would like to stop anticipating meals, snacks and nibbles.  My goal is to stop living bite to bite, like I do now.

It would help if there were some satisfaction with other parts of my life.  I feel inadequate in so many places that food has become the fill in.  For instance, I am bored with my job so I seek out lunches or candy dishes to fill the time and entertain me.  I also don't get the affection from the hubs that I would prefer so I munch to fill that void.  Not that he doesn't love me but I am sure he is not attracted to me in this current state.  He would never say it and I appreciate that but I am no dummy. 

Still hungry by the way.  I think I have a heighened sense of what is "hungry" vs. "satisfied."  I have been stuffing myself for so long that full feels like satisfied to me.  If I am not stuffed all the time, I think I need more.  That is part of the reason I feel I am a food addict.  It consumes me.  When I hear alcoholics describe what that is like (Dad, for one)...I replace the word alcohol with food and it perfectly describes me.  But, you can't not eat.  Well, some can but that is clearly not my issue.

Sidebar...SUPER ANNOYING sound at the office.  They are doing some kind of maintenance on the pond outside so it sounds like a vaccum cleaner.  Really irritating, distracting....making me want to leave my desk.

I think I will get another cup of hot tea with splenda.  No calories, no caffeine...no guilt!  I call that a win-win.  And...I get to leave the noise behind!

Later...