I'm fat. I know this about myself, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of how the way my pants fit can determine my mood for an entire day. I'm sick of how the button of my too-tight pants leaves a mark in my fleshy stomach. I'm sick of comparing myself to celebrities and the skinny coworker who spit out two kids and is still a size 2. I'm sick of how string bikinis get lost in the flesh of my hips. I'm sick of being jealous of my friends everytime they lose a few pounds. I'm sick of doing it with the lights out for fear of my partner actually seeing what I look like and change his mind. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way.
I've been fat for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those grossly obese women who can barely walk a flight of stairs, but I am overweight. 183 pounds is too much for my 5'3" frame. I'm a size 12/14/16...depending on the day and the level of my water retention. My weight goes up or down 5 pounds on almost a daily basis. It's frustrating for me because I know how to do it, and I know i'm capable of doing it. I have the knowledge, I know all about calories in vs calories out. I know about fat percentages and empty carbs. Target heart rates and rates of perceived exhurstion. I know that too much sugar and too much fat is bad. I know that a heaping bowl of fruit and veggies is good. Brown rice and whole grains over refined carbs. It's all there floating around in my head I just lack the focus and will power to put it all in place....and the energy...and the time.
My biggest problem I find is setting a goal. I'm not really sure what I want my goal to be, you see, there's just so many goals I want to achieve. I'm not really sure what my motivator is. Here's a few:
1.) I want to lose weight. Pretty basic. I'd like to lose 50 pounds. 50 pounds is a lot of weight to lose, I know this. So really I'd be happy with 40. Or 30. Or shoot, even 20. I know 20 pounds would go a long way in making me feel a heck of a lot better about myself. I just want to see the number on the scale MOVE...preferrably DOWN.
2.) I want to wear my size 8's. I want to reach into my closet, pull out a pair of size 8 pants from 2 kids and a divorce ago and slide them on with ease. I'm ok with not being a 2. I don't need a 2. I'd like an 8 though. I'd like to thin out, but still keep a booty and some hips. I like my curves, I just want to be an hourglass, not a mound of play doh shaped to resemble an hourglass.
3.) I want to REALLY enjoy sex again. I want to be as confident as my 20 year-old self, laying naked for my partner to see in broad daylight. I want to feel sexy. I want a closet full of lingerie that actually looks pretty damn good on me. I want my boyfriend to stare at my body, admiring my curves without me flinching. I want to make love without strategically placing my hand over my large stomach roll. I want to just give myself over to the act once more, rather than fretting about how I look.
4.) I want to be a runner. I used to be a runner. I used to run. I loved to run. I ran every morning before work, along the water, with the sunrise. I loved it. I loved the peace of it. I loved being alone with my thoughts. I miss it. I want to be a runner again. I want to find the time, and the love for it once more. I want to be good at it and triumph in bettering my 5K time or conquering a hill. I want to get giddy about a new pair of sneakers. I want it to be more than just about the quickest way to burn some calories. I want to take those damn calories out of it.
5.) I want to resist the siren call of the vending machine. And Dunkin Donuts. Or starbucks. Or the Hersheys bar at the grocery check-out line. I want to be able to squash my cravings with a juicy peace of fruit instead of listening to her run through my head like a whiny bitch until I shut her up with something chocolatey and sweet. I want to truly enjoy eating what's good for me and put sweets back in there place where they belong....as a treat.
All of these goals have run through my head for 8 + years now and I find it hard to focus. But now, I think I've found the biggest motivator of all. A wedding. A wedding in florida. A wedding in Florida to meet all my boyfriend of 3 years friends. I'm horrified by the thought of it. I do not want to walk into the wedding as the chubby girlfriend of Jason. I want to rock a cute little dress and shake my booty on the dance flor with confidence. I want look good and FEEL good about myself. The wedding is 264 days away. May of 2012. That should be plenty of time to find my focus and maybe reach ONE of my goals by then. My plan of action, break each of those down into chewable bites and conquering them.
Fat self be warned. I think I've found my focus.
Let's begin.....
