Well, here I am, again...miserable. Fatter than I have ever been. I am at the point of not being able to do things well/comfortable. Like....sitting here, I feel like I am beginning to slowly suffocate. Just got out of the tub. If I gain much more, I wont fit. I am already squeezed in as tight as I can be, just about...can barely reach all areas of my legs to shave...so I hadn't in awhile....In my profile picture..I weighed about 211...gained that, then got in the 230's...lost to 215 or so again this summer on the Food Lover's diet...then I got busy, school started back up, and then my hubby had a surgery that went bad, and we now have been fighting infection for more than 6 weeks..He is beginning to be on the mend...I dont know when he will be able to do his job well enough to go back to work...he is still very unstable on his feet...but it is now the holidays, Christmas season 2012, and I still cant get motivated. I quit everything that was about me. Now, it feels to far gone to get back to something resembling what my life looks like. I dont even know myself. I dont recognize the fat girl in the mirror. I dont know the me that doesnt connect to God much anymore....When I cram myself into the tub, and struggle to shave my blubber laden legs, I am having a hard time associating that this is my body. My shaver even makes a sound like it is being drug across some synthetic material, the streaks echo as I pull the shaver back, row by row.
My kids are even being affected by my bad habits. I talk to them about doing something, and I never follow through anymore. So I don't talk to them, and they weigh enough at a young age to be frightened about, if something dont change soon. I feel my body, my spirit, my self dying little by little. The fat is suffocating me, and it seems to have almost won. Almost.
I keep listening to this voice that says, why try again and be a loser. Why attempt again, just so others can see you fail. And when you fail, you end up even lower than you started in the first place. Part of me believes this..but I do know it is a lie. If i would have been up on my Bible studies, I would have caught this much earlier, before I fell so so far...Yet God is here now as much, if not more than ever....Waiting to make my life something more, waiting for me to hand it over.
I do know that I will not be able to feel my way back into motivation, and progress. I am truly at the point of handing it over, and doing what I know to do, untill I know what else to do. First thing HAS to be getting myself back into the awesome, healing, and restoring presence of my Father, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and my Guide, the Holy Spirit. His word promises me that if I seek him first..he will fill the void, lift me up, and make something of my life...make it purposeful...and add to it those things which, in and through Him, I desire, as he lines my will up with his to match perfectly.
I know the do's and donts of weightloss, and healthier living. I pray for God to grant motivation and sustain me. Sustain me in the good times, so I don't become complacent...sustain me when I am hungry, filling me with the good food..sustain me when I am full, keeping a hunger always burning for more of Him and his will for my life...sustain me in trials so I dont give up; and in times of intense focus so I don;t become obsessed or out of balance...sustain me when others need me, so I can serve...sustain me when I need, and no one else notices..and sustain me in this world as an instrument of his purpose, always and ever strengthening my allegiance to my heavenly home, as I am just a foreigner, and a stranger of the world, passing through the waters to an eternal glory. Wait...am I talking about weight loss, or am I talking about another goal all together.. It all works together for the good, when I have the right mindset.
I pray these things for myself, to my Father, my Coach, Guide, and Friend. To my Creator, I will trust this creation of his, my body. Help me, Lord. Forgive the past mistakes I have made, knowingly, and unknowingly. Help me to forgive myself, and love myself enough to abandon my ways to your ways... And Do what you will with my life. Amen.
