I've felt very lonely lately.... the type of lonliness I used to feel before "dating." While we are not dating we are still technically seeing eachother.... It's been difficult because I had spent less time with him. I refuse to do things for him. I don't do family stuff any more, I don't stay over... Our sex life is pretty much gone..... I've been missing that a lot...... more so than the sex.... the intimacy.... and the thought of being with him but not having stability.... I am sure it would be great in the moment...... but I'd be in tears after the fact...
I'm getting too old and too emotionally "in toon" for cassual sex... it's not satisfying.... at least not with someone you love..... not with someone you want more with........ I never loved anyone I had sex with before I knew him...... I never equated love with sex. In fact sex was my drug of choice. I had sex when I was happy, angry, sad, lonely.... especially lonely.... It wasn't til years later when memories of sexual abuse as a child came flooding in..... It explains the addiction... . It explains some of the mental break downs I've had..... it explained why when I started remembering I started to binge for the first time in my life and I don't emotionally eat.... I always turned to sex... .but sex was the thing I feared....The thing that made me feel like a worthless piece of crap.....So I ate.... I got over it but my mind still turns back to sex.... but when I really think about it I just really need affection..... I I want to be held and told it's going to be okay.... I love the feeling of melting into someone's arms.... However, I only knew one man that would hold me and not take it as an oportunity to use me... and being an adict and an abuse victim I never knew how to say no..... There was only one man who I ever felt really loved me..... I miss him.... It's a lot like that Adele song, someone like you.....
The chances of me falling into old habits is likely... I am a lot hotter with the weight loss... I cannot get sex off my mind...... I need some kind of emotinal release.... At the same time I feel like I just need a break... some kind of comfort.... Some assurance.... I'm lonely...... and I need love..... I miss being held as I fall asleep.....Yet part of me feels I have never had security...... Not in this relationship..... I just feel alone..... and tired.... and I want out of this but I fear I will "cheat" and destroy everything.... but more than anything I just want to feel free and alive..... I fear in the end I'll hate myself if I do anything stupid... and I'll truly be alone...... I really need a hug....
